Ruminating

Well, I have been chewing and chewing on some of the truths that the Lord has used this book to remind me of. (Is that bad grammar to end in a preposition!? LOL Can never stop being a homeschool mom!) And since I haven't posted them here, I need to do that. But know that I am still chewing!!

First of all--the comment about 'having a great marriage takes doing the right things every day...every hour...every moment'--recently I have had some of the more intense times of obedience to the Lord in the "every moment" category. I don't remember ever working this hard to have to be obedient to Him by loving my husband when I didn't want to (selfishly--it was not my husband's fault). I praise God that He enabled me to do so--that He gave me the grace to embrace rather than push away--to remain soft when I wanted to harden--to remain near when all I wanted to do was run away. All the praise and glory to our Lord!! It has helped us to get over the difficulty we have had these past few months. Doing the right things every moment...

And I think I found one of the first controversial statements from the book(not controversial for me, but for many, I think): "You were created to make him complete, not to seek personal fulfillment parallel to him." And this is one of the things that I have been chewing on these past weeks. I don't have a problem with this statement, though from all the comments I get from people saying that "you need to take time for yourself", "you need to do things for you", "if you don't pay attention to yourself, you'll lose yourself"...and from the constant push to be career driven, self-fulfilling people...I imagine this is quite a controversial idea to any woman pursuing career or occupation that pulls away from the family.

For me, the chewing is an examining. I have been asking myself if I have been seeking personal fulfillment parallel to him. Is it all about me? Do the decisions I make, the resentments I hold, the comments I make, the desires of my heart...do they reflect a focus on personal fulfillment? Yes, many of them, and that is where the danger of the past months has been. (Praise God for His mercy in pulling me back from SELF focus!!--well, we know it is still a process!! But He has pulled me away from a place that could have become very dangerous.)

I know this is really silly, but one of the things I would love to do is go camping as a family. My husband does not desire this. He does not like this kind of thing, and it has been so hard for me to let go of this!! It is truly ridiculous, but I have struggled with resentment over us having to do what HE wants and not what I want--how very immature and simple and petty, I know, and my pride is definitely taking a punch right now for me to admit that to all of you godly women! (I want you to think I am so godly!!! Pride, pride, pride!!) Well, it IS petty, and it is very self-focused. It is totally unimportant and trivial. Yet for some reason, my flesh has wanted to cling to this one area and become resentful about it. Why does it seem easier to lay down my life on very large things? Yet it does seem to be.

At any rate, I have repented of this particular area many times in our 17 years of marriage--and I thank God for His grace to continuously fight against the petty things like this one, that I might serve and prefer my husband better, that I might set an example before my children of loving and sacrificing for my husband, that the love of Christ may grow in me and in anyone who sees me doing it, that I might more easily lay down my life as I form the habit of obedience to the Lord in putting others first. (Not that I have "arrived", of course--that is to be understood here and in all future posts!)

One more comment on this quote--Debi is saying in the sentences that surround this quote, that we will not reach the level of personal fulfillment we desire and long for, unless we are NOT seeking our own personal fulfillment, but are instead seeking to help our husbands fulfill theirs. That probably reads really confusing, but what I am trying to paraphrase from the book is that we will never truly be fulfilled until we are putting our husbands first and seeking their good first. It's that little rule that is so huge in God's world--putting others first brings greater joy than putting yourself first. Pouring yourself out FILLS you.

I don't like how the way that I wrote that is sounding like it's all about US and how WE feel. I dont' mean that. A Christian walk is not about how WE FEEL. A Christian walk is all about glorifying God through our obedience and love for Him. And He has commanded us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength--and the second is like it--love our neighbor as ourself.

And when we are doing those things--He will fill us with joy, peace, rest, a feeling of fulfillment and purpose. It is by His grace and enabling that we are able to obey Him--and it is by His grace that we walk in the fruit that He gives when we do.

I will close with that--and with the same question for you that I have been using to examine the things I say/do/feel in these past weeks: Am I seeking a personal fulfillment parallel to that of my husband?